His alarm goes off early. The time is now… by Moloko. When he was a student, that song meant a girl he fleetingly fell for. Now it means much more than she ever did.

He gets up and turns on the TV. Sweaty fingers fumble for the only buttons that matter.

Roisin Murphy - Moloko - The Time is Now

Sky. Four. Zero. Five.

Twice a year it’s the same. He’s like the Queen – The first of January and the first of July are his two unofficial birthdays. Weeks of excitement leading up to them, calendar marked, waking up like a little boy, not knowing what treats to expect this year.

Alas, waking up like a little boy lost. Alone. Nowadays, the only girl he wants to wake up with is Georgie Thompson, but she never replies to his letters, she’s even stopped reading out his e-mails and texts (you2us isn’t the case now for Steve) and frankly he’s getting a bit annoyed. Even boycotted ITV for those non-window months due to the tabloid rumours about her and that Geordie bugger.

Dec and Sky Sports' Thompson, reportedly dating. Heartbreak for Steve.

Steve sits and waits, eyes darting around the carefully composed screen. He anticipates the next item, by lunchtime he knows exactly what’s coming next in the hour. Predicts correctly what’s on the sidebar. Waits impatiently for PREM LGE to dance enticingly across the bottom of the screen.

Tea, toast, toilets during the adverts, naturally.

Back to the action though, and the yellow breaking news bar is the best. His heart starts beating even faster as he reaches for the remote once again, recording the moment that the press release or Sky sources statement is read out, for prosperity.

And now he’s attempting to do it non stop FOR THE WHOLE TRANSFER WINDOW.

Steve wasn’t always like this, oh no. He once had a job, a family, a purpose.

Alan Myers reports.

- We always bring you the best stories on Sky Sports News, but this is a corker. Let me tell you about the man who quite literally makes the news. Steve’s a good guy, that’s for sure. Before, anyway. He was normal, went the pub, looked after his family, knew when enough was enough. I went to meet one of his ex-colleagues, Geoff, who gave us a little more insight.

- Yeah well er Stevie was one of us like, but then one day he said he was going away for a while and that was it. I blame that Bosnian.
- Of course, Geoff means Jean-Marc Bosman, the footballer who changed the game forever following his court-case in the mid nineties. But what really seems to have pushed Steve over the edge should have been his proudest moment…

On Mastermind: football transfers were usually Steve's strong point.

Steve was a contestant on BBC’s Mastermind last year. His specialist subject was football transfers in the Premier League era, because he thought he had a good grip on it from reading the newspaper every day at work and talking to his mates. He even kept a notebook in which he pencilled the weekly comings and goings; even tabloid rumours.

Jean-Marc Bosman, of Bosman transfer fame, ruined things for Steve.

- But, come the big day, he froze, and only got four right. His mind just went blank, he mistook Paul Holmes for Gary Rowett and Sasa Crcic for Sasa Ilic and before he knew it the dream was over. My colleague Brian Swanson visited his house to tell us more…

- Yes here I am at Steve’s semi in Sheffield, there’s a crowd gathering outside as rumour has it Steve is attempting to break David Blaine’s record for staying awake, watching Sky Sports news for… he won’t come to the door, that’s for sure. But locals here reckon he did a ‘big shop’ last week to see him through the summer, he must have spent some of the hefty sum he got from taking a voluntary redundancy as the credit crunch hit in September 2008. Indeed, one source told me that the real seed for this adventure was planted just before that, on the day the window shut for the winter one Monday early that month. Steve couldn’t sleep, he was being plagued by nightmares of the black chair, so he switched on the TV and couldn’t believe what he was seeing… but maybe we’ll never know. Back to you, Alan.

- Thanks, Brian. Maybe Steve is watching us now, hanging on our every word… Hello if you are… Text us Steve, let us know what you’re up to… in fact, let’s hope he sees some spending today to keep him awake! Alan Myers, Sky Sports.

Sky Sports News - Things can get pretty hairy on deadline day

Now I’m no Sky Sports reporter, but I know for a fact that it was that deadline day that started all this. Anyone who has seen the channel on those days will know why, especially that one. Frantic agents getting cheeky texts and hoax phone calls, who CAN CONFIRM that so and so has had contact from such a club or somebody is going nowhere, that sort of thing. The period of time that triggered Steve’s fascination was all Man City’s fault, their bid for Robinho being accepted before gleeful fans in tea towels and all that confusion about Berbatov before SSN brought us EXCLUSIVE PICTURES of the Bulgarian meeting Alex Ferguson just the right side of midnight.

Now that Setanta has gone into administration, Steve will be even happier at this time of year, because their news channel goes with it, and Sky’ll have even more exclusives, more in-depth interviews, more standing outside training bases in the rain. Even if that also means that Georgie will be even less likely to read out his messages.

When I first heard about Steve I thought back to my childhood and Raymond Briggs’ excellent, though less well-known than the Bowie-narrated, questionable-snowman-nudity/drinking-scene filled ‘The Snowman’ cartoon, Father Christmas. If you haven ’t seen it I’ve got the VHS knocking about somewhere, it’s great, and it tells the story of how  Father Christmas fills his year: resting, sleeping, going on holiday until he gets recognised, that sort of thing.

Father Christmas: up the shit in December but gets great holidays

Steve has that same mystique about him. I imagined him ‘getting his sleep in’ for months in preparation, stocking up on food like a little hamster preparing to hibernate, meanwhile furiously writing the rumours in his notebooks like Kevin Spacey’s ‘John Doe’ does in Seven, but this time instead of  biblical killings, it’s the latest suggestion of who Spurs are interested in blowing millions on, etc. Ad nausea.

And sadly Steve is making himself ill. He’s lost his family, children, soul. Whether he makes it into the Guinness Book of Records is doubtful, though the amounts of money being bandied about so far suggest it could make interesting viewing over the next couple of months. That he can stay awake for two months is doubtful but he won’t miss a signing, that’s for sure.

He’s sky plussing whatever he misses. And watching it during the night, to prevent being haunted by the ghost of teletext or John Humphreys. Then, he can sleep once September comes… until January 1st, of course.

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