Those of you who read my last article will realise the relevance of the title. The hens do refer to the ‘holy trinity’ of the popular Christmas song, but are dedicated not to a dead princess or lizard ruler (Jane Badler, we salute you…) Rather, to a blonde singer from the town of four thousand holes who was voted off X Factor last weekend. 

Diana gets your vote over Eoghan (or doesnt as it turned out)

Diana is not the focus of this article, even though she ‘won’ the public vote for this article at least. I linked her to the French hens for her sultry alternativeness and subsequently to Andy van der Meyde, not quite because he is sultry or the footballer most likely to contract bird flu – but it’s close.

(please note that from now on Andy van der Meyde might be known as VDM)

I feel Diana was always on a loser after the laryngitis episode when she was ‘too ill’ to perform a Mariah Carey song and so seemingly got a week off. Similarly, VDM will probably never raise more than a collective laugh from the Gwladys Street when he emerges from the dugout, and bitter moans about his wages etc, because he has done very little in a Blue shirt, no goals, one assist from what I can remember, and one sending off (in a  derby no less).

But surely bad luck is simply at fault for these two artists’ failure?

It is a little ironic that Van Der Meyde made his first League appearance of the season little more than twenty four hours after Diana’s teary exit. Similarly, it can also not be a mere coincidence that he and I were born two days apart, are the same height, and play the same position.

I, like many others, am drawn to anti-heroes, those less popular underdogs who don’t quite fit the mould. There are many reasons for this, it is perhaps inherent in our culture, our upbringing, or at the very least inspired by reading about David and Goliath at Sunday School (just me then?). There is less support though, definitely amongst avid supporters, for that band of players described as ‘sicknotes’, ‘wasters’ or ‘leeches’. Men should be men, regardless of their health problems, and play through the pain, n’est-ce pas?

Three French Hens - All Everton want for xmas is one fit van der Meyde

But football, especially in the age of the Premiership and expensive wages, doesn’t seem to forgive those who are on the receiving end of visits from the bad luck bears. They are noticed, criticised then ridiculed, even though many are at least at the more skillful end of the imaginary ‘gifted footballers’ spectrum we have all argued about in the playground.

Diana is a very good singer. Anderton, Redknapp, Saha, Ferguson, Bridges, Dyer (Kieron, not Bruce) are (were) all very good players too, and van der Meyde is on this list too. I for one do not believe they pick and choose when they want to play – rather, for some reason, they do not have the fortune others are grateful to receive when cards are dealt regarding their legs or their personal life. To castigate someone for having the temerity to not feel able to perform to the best of their ability, then go into work on a Monday morning and happily fill in for colleagues on long term sick (or even worse – throw a ‘sickie’ – a word I first heard used in a conversation between Madge and Harold would you believe, fact fans)) smacks of hypocrisy in my innocent eyes.

Indeed, us Evertonians were denied the chance to see Danny Williamson play but a few fleeting moments for us, however I recall an outstanding goal he scored in the Cup I think that marked him out as a future star. How many other heroes missed their calling due to injuries and bad luck, I wonder? Maybe many football fans – we still kick every ball, nod every header, because most of us still believe that if it wasn’t for that drinking or lack of pace, of scout getting lost, it’d be us on that pitch…

I digress. Back to Andy van der Meyde: Just imagine

1. Johan Cruyff says you’re rubbish

2. You sign for Everton and only me turns up to greet you

3. Your dog and car get stolen

Johan Cruyff: Still very much an influencial figure in football

Ok so these headlines are less than half the story, and there is much more I could mischievously suggest when it comes to examples of his bad luck being self created, but if we stick to the facts, it is much fairer.

This much we know. Van der Meyde broke in to the Ajax first team after progressing through their excellent academy system (presumably a few years before myself and a drunken Uni mate walked into the same complex on a Students’ Union trip to Amsterdam, being greeted by Danny Blind and Shota Arvaladze) and he looked a real prospect.

Dutch caps (ahem) followed though the unfortunate event that sums up his international career did too. Johan Cruyff is a legend, and extremely influential in Holland (and seemingly Barca’s) hierarchy. Therefore, when he himself said on the eve of Euro 2004 that the Oranje‘had no chance of winning as long as he (VDM) was in the squad’, despite his involvement in their journey to the tournament’s semis, the writing seemed to be on the wall.

Cruyff & Van Bastan not big fans of Van der Meyde

This was particularly unfortunate as VDM had just had a good first season at Inter, albeit injury shortened, scoring a memorable goal against Arsenal in the meantime. It is perhaps no surprise (given the respect he and many others show to Cruyff) that Marco van Basten, another legend an another of my favourite all time players, never considered VDM during his tenure as Dutch coach either.

But there are perhaps more valid reasons for this choice. Van der Meyde made the switch to Everton in Summer 2005. I was excited about this, I didn’t know much about him – even now I don’t, I’ll be honest a lot of this information was brought back into my brain with the help of a popular online encyclopedia. I think a lot of that is down to his lack of exposure, he is generally regarded as a forgotten man and the only time the Echo or footy magazines mention him is to announce another injury, another determined comeback or cruel, inappropriate skits (see the guardian football site’s unfunny gallery if you want.)

Anyway a couple of weeks after his signing, I excitedly rushed in to the city centre to attend a meet and greet session at the mega store with him and another recent purchase, Per Kroldrup.  I was a little late to arrive, still, was surprised to find I WAS THE ONLY FAN IN THE SHOP and therefore both players forced smiles whilst signing photographs for a teacher that was older than them both! To be honest, Kroldrup was pleasant enough but VDM clearly didn’t want to be there and seemed actually appalled at having to use a biro to scrawl over his face.

I stuck by him though, even whilst Kroldrup disappeared into ignominy (random description of the defender ‘head like a 50p piece’), VDM enjoyed some success in the first team before niggling injuries took over. Getting stupidly sent off in his first derby didn’t help, or did more serious injuries. Quickly, rumours abounded that he was enjoying the social side of the city a little too much, to dangerous effects.

VDM reasonably asks for a stables for his wife who has a love for horses

Rumours and football are a volatile mix, but fans were disgruntled at the suggestion he’d only signed for us following the promise of a stables for his partner. Things got even more ludicrous when he became yet another victim of the footballer gets burgled phenomenon that has engulfed this city for the last couple of years. Not only did he apparently lose eight (?) Rolexes in the ambush, and an expensive new puppy (a heartfelt appeal for which led to its return) but he also suffered the embarrassment of thousands of school kids across the city gleefully bluetoothing videos of his stolen car being raced across a car park before being found wrecked in front of a cinema.

Things seemed to spiral out of control from here on in. Reports of unhappiness, denials thereof, fines, suspensions, drinks spiking claims, more injuries, rumours of sales abroad, wanting to stay, exciting pre-season displays, disappointments, no appearance for over a year… and bizarrely, regularly sightings of the great man shopping on his own in town, occasionally accompanied by his wife or on one occasion recently a red-haired teenage boy.

Diana will no doubt be given a record contract and be relatively successful – more importantly, encouraging teenage girls across the country. She (or the show’s producers) may have been at fault at times, but we don’t begrudge her that. Similarly, whether or not VDM brought his bad luck on himself, or questioning if he deserves any more chances, should not be on our agendas at the minute. I for one will forgive and forget – we all make mistakes, he has brought pleasure to millions and should be encouraged on this latest comeback trail.

Two years ago, when Sylvester Stallone came to Goodison, I stood proudly holding a ‘ROCKY VAN DER MEYDE’ poster, featuring Mr Balboa with a number 7 on his back. Maybe, just maybe it could be another fairytale ending to this story.

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